A request of those who particpate in the forum discussions

"People have mentioned they want to be able to have discussions about topics but we can't do that if every poster is made to feel humiliated or unwanted."


Yep, that was my experience and why I post as a guest now and cut way back on posting. I think this is a good policy going forward.

Ok from this day forth there will be no more abusive, threatening or be-littling behaviour in the forum OR IN PM TO PONEE!!

Be the awesome people you are!!

Someone threatened Ponee?

She gets pm's all the time from members not happy with something or other Goldie, it's part of being a forum owner I guess.

I understand that but NOBODY should be threatening her.

People don't realize how as site owners we have to wear our striped ref shirts frequently. It gets old!
I visit many sites everyday looking for things to post. I read a lot of stuff I find ridiculous or I do not agree with. I have NEVER blasted them or the person that posted it and I have a hard time wrapping my head around why anyone would bother to do this. Of course I supposed I did cross the line here back in the day when this was the old Okie site. LOL Man that was some fun!!! hahahaha

We're all adults here and shouldn't be so thin skinned and get upset if someone disagrees with us.....let alone crying to Ponee.

exactly ssmith

EXACTLY!! It happens to purps also on OOM!

I agree we are all adults and should respect the person posting, agree to disagree.   People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 

Exactly Saint!

Little Sally:  Mommy, mommy.....  little Joey just call me a bad name.  He needs a spanking!

Straighten up little Joey and grow up little Sally!

ssmith wrote:We're all adults here and shouldn't be so thin skinned and get upset if someone disagrees with us.....let alone crying to Ponee.

If we're all adults here,
does that mean that it's
ok to go skinny dippin'
in the forum hot tub...?

Geez mrparrot not too sure if I'd be dipping naked in any hot tub if I were you, we'd all be having parrot stew lol!

alleyrose wrote:Geez mrparrot not too sure if I'd be dipping naked in any hot tub if I were you, we'd all be having parrot stew lol!

Hmmm...good point.

Well in this case I think it is being used (and usually is) to denote easily offended, not sensitive. The two definitely do not equate, in fact I know sensitive people you would have to work very hard to offend, and vice verso.

Alleyrose, if there was a Like button, I would use it on your post--good points!

:cheers:

Ponee, sounds reasonable.  Sorry if you are getting slammed with referee requests.

Unless there are gurus lurking about, all I can think of having gone out of my way to antagonize was Cookin' Gramma.  (Too bad she hasn't been around for all of my truth finding lately)

SSmith  - thank you for your courteous feed back  --  I think I understand what you are saying - but then I am not really sure -- would  "easily being offended" not be the same as being "sensitive" ?? I mean .....  how could you be easily offended if you were not sensitive? ???  I am lost here - I am missing something - an example maybe???? 


I really do not want to cause an uproar over this - honestly -- just looking for clarification and better understanding --   


Why cant those that are so aggressive  with their  abusive tones and words back off a little  instead of calling the sensitive or "easily offended" -- "thin skinned" wimps / sissies  or made to feel that way and told to get out of the kitchen so to speak??  


Again, this is just my humble opinion -- my perspective - and what I have witnessed more often than the other way around -- It is almost like  a crime  to be sensitive --   I will say it does have its consequences -- 


You are right about the bottom line -- I have known this for a while -- Others do not hurt my feelings -- I "allow" their words / actions to hurt my feelings ---- I have given them that power  by caring about them -- For that I am guilty 


As you may have noticed -- I have not been  visiting the kitchen very much     


Have a great day ssmith  

Uneek....

I am a sensitive. By this I mean that I absorb others feelings and children and animals know I am a safe person to cling to. People that are damaged or hurting also know I am a safe person to come to. We give these permissions out in some unseen way. This to me is the meaning of being a sensitive being.

I am not thin skinned by definition in any way and I think they are totally different. I do not absorb what others put out if it is aggressive, rude, vulgar, etc. I take no crap from anyone or anything. I have no trouble doing the smack down on those that do either. My "skin" is tough as elephant hide and this is how we sensitives learn to navigate the cruelty of what is around us.

In context to blog comments people seem to think it is just okay to be rude and slanderous with no thought to how others may read their comments. Some are just provokers. Some think they are ever so funny. These same people would most likely NEVER talk to someone this way if they were face to face. In essence they are most likely cowards and in need of some kind of validation to their fragile egos.

Only you have the power to react a certain way to what is said. I will never understand why people slam a comment or insult a person for posting something they do not cotton with instead of just simply clicking the mouse and going on to the next post. They must need something from this that is missing in their "real" life. But of course... this is only my opinion.

out of here

Some expect to be offended, they get what they expect. Some choose to be offended, it's their choice, and it really does not matter how you say something, you will offend them. Some have wounds and/or poor self image, and whatever is said, assume it was directed at them and in a hostile way.

Now I'm not excusing those who are just plain nasty or mean, and unfortunately we have some of them here at times. They may feel they have good reason to act the way they do, but there is never a good reason for that sort of behavior.

Uneek.  No offense at all.  I enjoy a good debate.  Let me try to say this another way.  We do have a choice, to some degree, to how we feel/act.  If someone says something that makes me angry or hurt, I can either choose to respond in kind or think it through.  When I think for a minute, I can see what say said was completely off base and it is their issues that made them say such a stupid thing.  A stupid thing that could hurt my feelings..... but if I think about where they are coming from and their issues it really doesn't have anything to do with me at all.  Kind of like holding on to anger.  Sometimes we have to let it go, otherwise it just eats at us.  Not always easy, but so many emotions are a choice we make - not something we have no control over.  

Purpleskyz said basically the same thing (only better).

I figured out some of this a few years ago while going through a divorce.  I was reading a lot of "how to be married" books.  Several were talking about love is a choice....not a feeling.  The premise was that if you act loving towards your spouse (even if you aren't feeling a whole lotta love), eventually you will feel that way.  Didn't help in my case, but I believe it to be true.  I remember my X telling me that I had changed, but too little, too late.  Whatever.  Life goes on. And I'm smarter for the experience.

Good discussion!  I agree with both sides.  

The leadership of this forum (at the top of the thread) made a suggestion/request of people who have a strong opposing view to the opinion of another member.  They were expressing a preference for the culture of this particular community.  That was to please make it a practice to express your opposition, in a manner where you refrain from attacking the intelligence or character of the other person, and instead focus on the ideology or theory or fact that is in dispute; to present your opposing argument, without the need for metaphorically shanking the other member in the gut.  The argument, "If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen", is less applicable, when those who manage the kitchen, are telling you,  "We'd like this to be both a Vibrant AND Respectful kitchen".

Very often, people who are very direct in their style of communication,  suggest that it is impossible for them to "tell the truth" or "keep it real" without hurting other people's feelings.  And that's probably because they've never learned how to do it, or were never called on their behavior. 

It is entirely possible to "slam dunk" your own position or argument, without stomping on your opponent's hand.  Simply bring the facts.  Even if you are arguing on the behalf of a belief system (religion or politics), just Bring the Facts upon which your beliefs are built (e.g. scriptures, statistics, whatever).  We've all seen the 1-2 punch that is delivered by a good argument, when observing any public debate.  But the difference is, that it is one argument punching the other argument, vs one person punching another person.  Huge difference.  If your argument is strong, it will knockout the other.  If it is mediocre, it will jostle for equal position. If it's inferior, it will be a swing and a miss.  Like the free market, a forum of free expression can evaluate any argument for what it's worth. 

Managing by Objective - all actions begin with an Intent.
If your intent is primarily to elevate your argument in a discussion, and your position is really rooted in real personal inquiry and due diligence, your information will quite strongly, stand on its own. 

However, if your intent is primarily to inflict (minor or major) verbal injury on another, because you are annoyed (or even angered) about their differing viewpoint, or lack of information, that will be quite obvious as well.

At the same time, it is incumbent upon those who are easily offended, to develop several coping mechanisms, against those who definitely wish to verbally injure us (as well as those who unwittingly do so).  Because the fact is, daily social interaction is full of such opportunities. 

Some (as mentioned in other replies) choose to cope, by avoiding public expression of their opinions.  And here, we all miss out on hearing potentially important information and viewpoints.  Others bravely do express themselves, but then suffer in silence, from the backlash. Those of us who find ourselves labeled as "easily offended", might do some self examination, to ask questions such as, "Was I reading too much into the other person's comments?"  "Would other 'reasonable' people agree that the comment was offensive?"  "Is my (hurt) reaction really coming from the comment itself, or is my hurt coming from some unrelated incidents in my own history, that this reminded me of?" 

Self-advocacy and assertiveness, will always be an important skill to develop and maintain in ourselves and our children.  It is essential to the survival of each of our gene pools, and the diversity we each provide to society.

Similarly, I would offer a question to those of us who find that they tend to offend "sensitive people", to periodically check ourselves, and ask, "Was my intent actually to elevate myself by cutting down another individual? Or did I truly wish to provide them with information that they could actually take in, evaluate for themselves, and perhaps even change their mind, (or at least give them another way to look at the issue at hand)?"   "Is it possible that what I intended as a joke, could actually be quite offensive to an entire group of people that I am insensitive to, (because I have not had that their experience)?"  "Can I think of areas of jokes that I MYSELF would similarly find 'out of line' (e.g. my overweight Mama, My God, My dyslexic kid), because they are very REAL to me?"   Let's be honest with ourselves, about what we are trying to accomplish with our interpersonal interactions.

In the US, when you create a group, you get to set the tone and regulate how you want it to operate (e.g. limits on what kinds of things we can talk about, and how we talk to each other).  If the leadership here says, "This is a place where we speak our minds, AND we do it without slamming other people", then those who want a different environment will migrate elsewhere, OR advocate for change. By contrast, if the leadership says, "NO LIMITS - This is the OK Corral, and Everything Goes!", then those who are want a more respectful environment will take a hike, or advocate for change."  That's how Freedom works!

Just food for thought Brothers and Sisters...

Just a reminder bump... :throb: