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Hilarious!!! DinarDailyUpdates?bg=330099&fg=FFFFFF&anim=1

Hilarious!!!

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Post by SpecialAgentGibbs Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:36 pm

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testes nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testes and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
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Post by tdinar Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:44 pm

Abbbbbsolutely the funniest I've read in a while......

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Post by ibcraig0 Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:46 pm

I laughed until I cried!!!
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Post by kingosawbe Sat Mar 31, 2012 11:59 pm

That ill teach you probbey:lol!: man that was good,wowee wow
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Post by Kevind53 Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:02 am

My wife and I both laughed our ... well we laughed a lot Hilarious!!! 3973136183 Hilarious!!! 567726376 Hilarious!!! 3973136183 Hilarious!!! 567726376 Hilarious!!! 3973136183

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 Hilarious!!! 2805820865  Hilarious!!! 2805820865  Hilarious!!! 2805820865  Hilarious!!! 2805820865
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Post by dinarstar Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:13 am

say what?
lmao lmao lmao lmao

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hug

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Post by cbdmcse Sun Apr 01, 2012 10:55 am

So, so funny...very happy he didn't zap the cat!!! :cheers:

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Post by Kevind53 Sun Apr 01, 2012 1:39 pm

Moving to coffee shop ...hilarious, but belongs there!

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Post by mr ed Sun Apr 01, 2012 1:52 pm

Thanks, I needed that!!
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Post by lrhoads57 Sun Apr 01, 2012 5:50 pm

Now that is Funny!

Now I do not feel so bad!

I got my 140 lbs Lab a shocking collar 1 year because he would always run off for hours so someone said try a shock collar that has a remote, So I got one, charged the little batteries put on my dog Harley he went out of yard so I pushed the small shock button! nothing he just looked at me and continued on his treck, so I put on medium shock no reaction so I put it on high nothing! So I took the collar off of him and looked at the two little prongs I saw nothing wrong sooooo thinking it was defective I gave the transmitter to my daughter and told her just push the mild shock I wanted to see if it did anything, I touched the two prongs and smiled and said hit it sweetie! Man the next thing I remember was my daughter crying loudly on the phone calling 911 and my lab licking me on the face!! Harley was looking at me like hows it feel stupid!

Sometimes you just have to learn the hard way!

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Post by LadyInRed Sun Apr 01, 2012 6:20 pm

This was posted before & I LMAO!! Always good to see humor once in a while Very Happy

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Post by SEBtopdog Sun Apr 01, 2012 6:41 pm

@lrhoads57 wrote:Now that is Funny!

Now I do not feel so bad!

I got my 140 lbs Lab a shocking collar 1 year because he would always run off for hours so someone said try a shock collar that has a remote, So I got one, charged the little batteries put on my dog Harley he went out of yard so I pushed the small shock button! nothing he just looked at me and continued on his treck, so I put on medium shock no reaction so I put it on high nothing! So I took the collar off of him and looked at the two little prongs I saw nothing wrong sooooo thinking it was defective I gave the transmitter to my daughter and told her just push the mild shock I wanted to see if it did anything, I touched the two prongs and smiled and said hit it sweetie! Man the next thing I remember was my daughter crying loudly on the phone calling 911 and my lab licking me on the face!! Harley was looking at me like hows it feel stupid!

Sometimes you just have to learn the hard way!

lrhoads

Labs have a very high pain tolerance .... lucky for you. Hilarious!!! 252703917

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Hilarious!!! Bump~0 Will someone please let the RV Widget out of the jar?
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